[0.0s] Hey friends, quick thing off the top here, it's me, your dungeon master, Russ More.
[4.8s] And me.
[5.8s] Oh yeah, we're here too.
[8.0s] And we're all here.
[9.5s] All of us.
[10.5s] We just like, I just like to introduce ourselves, just because we haven't introduced
[14.7s] ourselves yet, so we're going to introduce ourselves.
[16.2s] Allow myself to introduce myself.
[17.2s] I mean, it's basically what we're doing, this is like our pre-introducing ourselves
[21.2s] introduction of ourselves.
[22.8s] That's correct.
[23.8s] What episode are we on right now?
[24.8s] Episode 106, we decided to start pre-introduced.
[26.8s] 107.
[27.8s] 107, okay, I was pretty good guess.
[29.7s] Pretty close.
[30.7s] Pretty close.
[31.7s] Just a little note to make sure to listen right to the end of today's episode, the
[38.1s] very end, so you get all the information.
[41.0s] Because this one is a-
[42.0s] Are there bloops at the end?
[44.3s] There will be a couple good bloops at the end.
[46.9s] Okay, well don't leave before the bloops then.
[49.1s] Okay, so like kind of between the bloops and whatever this message is.
[55.5s] So just listen through all like you normally do, just keep listening until you get all
[59.3s] the information that you need to make the decisions that you need for your life, okay?
[63.1s] And then you'll hear hilarious bloops and it'll all be okay.
[67.0s] Wow, this was mysterious.
[69.0s] On with the show!
[71.1s] Previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
[72.9s] Well actually, I have questions.
[74.8s] Nanpah 9, Bureau of Anomalists, Legends, Lore and Spectacles.
[78.1s] We're sort of more like freelancers, we don't necessarily take-
[81.7s] We take our directions from the big guy.
[84.1s] Yeah, normally we kind of just look towards Glim in that book.
[87.2s] Some prophecies say that in the not-so-distant future, a great army of the undead will sweep
[94.3s] over the land led by the shadow.
[96.5s] No, come on.
[97.5s] There's no way.
[98.5s] Hold on, have you met the shadow?
[102.4s] There is strange things afoot and this new prophecy might be the way that we need
[108.1s] to go.
[109.1s] That means we're not doing anything else right now.
[110.8s] We're certainly not going to Celestia.
[113.0s] Nope.
[114.0s] Because we can follow simple direction.
[117.3s] These metal bars crashed to the ground behind you.
[120.6s] Watch out behind you guys!
[122.2s] Look out behind you!
[124.1s] Took you long enough.
[125.1s] Stop fucking around, boys.
[126.9s] You guys were supposed to be here a couple hours ago.
[129.5s] You know, they don't speak monkey.
[131.5s] They couldn't get us across the crater.
[133.3s] It's okay.
[134.3s] Don't worry about it.
[135.3s] Do labels on shirts mean nothing anymore?
[138.0s] Here, have a Werther's.
[146.8s] Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
[162.6s] I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
[164.0s] He, him.
[165.0s] Also with me today is...
[168.1s] Amy More.
[169.1s] Yes, she, her and I am playing Sullivan Sleight, a lightfoot halfling rogue.
[174.9s] He, him.
[175.9s] And Tom Lair.
[177.5s] He, him.
[178.5s] And I am playing Moot, who is a half-orc wild magic sorcerer who also goes by He, him.
[183.6s] And Carla Maxted.
[184.9s] She, her.
[185.9s] I am playing Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin.
[188.7s] Also she, her.
[190.1s] And joining us again today, the loveliest of guests who might backstabble you...
[197.3s] It's Lindsey Bowen.
[198.5s] He, him.
[199.5s] Playing Nanpah Nine, an autonome fighter of indeterminate subclass, a kindly older gent
[208.7s] with candies for all.
[210.5s] Kindly seems like a bit of a stretch.
[214.1s] Got all those Werther's though, right?
[216.6s] So that's trustworthy.
[217.6s] I mean, who doesn't love a Werther?
[219.9s] Now, when you asked to see...
[222.8s] Well, you didn't ask to see the labels.
[224.6s] When Smartmonkey showed you his label, it said not evil.
[227.8s] You might have noticed that Nanpah didn't show you his label.
[231.7s] Wonder what it says.
[233.6s] Very evil, I'd assume.
[234.6s] Or just not.
[235.6s] And you have to be standing side by side.
[239.5s] Not evil.
[240.5s] Not evil.
[241.5s] It's a double negative.
[242.5s] Not evil.
[243.5s] Not.
[244.5s] It's very important to show them both at the same time.
[245.5s] That future reference when you are being brought on a destiny, ask to see both labels.
[251.1s] Okay.
[252.1s] Now we know.
[253.1s] You got to learn these lessons the hard way sometimes, I guess.
[255.5s] Our characters are still so young.
[258.7s] That's true.
[259.7s] There's so much they haven't learned yet.
[260.7s] So much.
[261.7s] Like the label rule.
[262.7s] Where you can provide us labels or items or NPCs is over on Patreon, Patreon.com slash
[268.1s] dumb dragon cast, where we take all of those lovely things and turn them magic-like into...
[273.3s] Well, no, we just take them verbatim because they're pretty good ideas and we use them
[277.2s] in the show.
[278.2s] Much better than our own ideas.
[279.7s] Oh yeah, 100%.
[280.8s] But when you are a patron, you also receive an episode dedication, of which today we
[286.9s] are dedicating our episode to Kelly Conrad.
[291.7s] Kelly Conrad.
[292.7s] It's Kelly.
[293.7s] Oh, the alliteration of your name makes me happy.
[296.5s] It's definitely like a comic book character.
[300.0s] Kelly Conrad.
[301.0s] Kelly Conrad.
[302.0s] From the Daily News.
[303.0s] Of course.
[304.0s] From the Daily News.
[307.2s] Every day, get that news with Kelly Conrad.
[310.6s] Thank you, Kelly.
[311.6s] Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, we'd love for you to join us over there.
[316.2s] Rah!
[317.2s] Sorry, I thought we were just going to start growling at them.
[320.4s] No, I just forgot.
[321.4s] I was going to do this at the beginning here, but we started talking about Werther's
[325.4s] and stuff instead.
[326.4s] Lindsay, you have something you want to share with us that sounded really cool.
[329.7s] Tell us a little bit about that.
[331.3s] Sure.
[332.3s] I've got something I can plug.
[334.4s] It's called...
[335.4s] So something I do called the 24-hour plays.
[337.9s] And during the pandemic, we've done the 24-hour plays viral monologues.
[341.6s] It's available on Instagram TV or YouTube.
[344.4s] It's at 24-hour plays at Instagram.
[347.4s] And it's a lot of celebrities and working actors and young actors doing monologues
[353.6s] that have been written and rehearsed and prepared in a single day.
[359.2s] And they're often doing it in their own home.
[360.8s] So you get to see Hugh Dancy in his, like literally his cabbage patch, doing
[367.7s] about him standing in a cabbage patch or Davi Diggs in front of crazy wallpaper in his
[373.5s] house talking about crazy wallpaper or David Cross in a bathtub wearing a sailor's cap.
[380.6s] It's fun stuff and it's a not-for-profit.
[383.5s] And we did it just to give artists and writers something to do during the pandemic
[388.2s] and you should check it out.
[390.0s] Love it.
[391.0s] We'll put links down in the description so you can go find that.
[393.0s] Fuck it.
[394.0s] Let's play.
[395.1s] We've been betrayed.
[396.2s] OK, we're up to date now.
[398.0s] Moot, Glim, and Sully, you find yourselves in a prison cell.
[402.0s] Nampaw Nine standing on the other side of the bars, laying out the tragedies that
[410.1s] have befallen some of Faerun and Toriel as a whole because of the actions of yourselves.
[418.4s] Expect goblins to live in a designated goblin district.
[424.8s] It's apparent on its face.
[427.6s] If you see a little doggie fall through a portal, check to see if that little doggie
[434.1s] has a little boy chasing it.
[436.8s] Just check.
[438.7s] Guys, when he says goblin district now, just like saying it back, it doesn't sound
[446.6s] right.
[447.6s] I, I, I mean, I agree.
[451.1s] At the time though, it seemed…
[452.9s] It seemed like a solution, but it wasn't a solution.
[455.1s] A solution would have been integration with the majority of the population.
[458.9s] Yeah.
[459.9s] However, we were very young, we were just starting out, but I think like this needs
[463.4s] to…
[464.4s] Moot, can you write this down?
[465.4s] This needs to be something we backtrack on.
[466.6s] These are good lessons.
[467.6s] I don't like the trickery and I don't like being in the prison cell, but I do
[473.5s] appreciate sort of the insight that the hindsight is giving us.
[479.2s] Oh yeah, for sure.
[480.2s] They say it's 2030.
[481.7s] I'm glad this is syncing with somebody.
[484.0s] Sonny, take the Werther's.
[485.7s] He hands it out to Glim.
[487.4s] He's real bad with pronouns, that's why he always asks for them.
[491.2s] Oh, thanks.
[492.2s] Don't eat that, don't eat that Glim.
[495.7s] We don't know what's in those.
[497.1s] I'm not going to punish myself by not eating the Werther's one more.
[500.3s] Yeah, but you don't know if it's a Werther's.
[502.9s] Oh, oh you're right.
[505.4s] This guy just locked us in a cage.
[506.7s] He just tricked us.
[507.7s] Don't take something, do not take candy from strangers.
[510.5s] Who would be more strange than this person we thought we knew and is now not the person
[514.0s] we thought we knew?
[515.0s] Is your name even really Nanpa Gnome?
[519.3s] Nine?
[520.3s] Nine?
[521.3s] You know what, I don't even care to know, I don't even care to know.
[526.3s] Let us out.
[527.3s] I am Nanpa, ninth of his name, and you should just think about what you've done
[532.3s] for a minute.
[533.3s] And he kind of wheels away.
[535.2s] Professor, tell him.
[536.7s] I mean, is anybody getting any of this?
[549.3s] I'm not.
[550.3s] I mean, I feel like they're really trying to express themselves, but I'm not picking
[554.1s] up.
[555.1s] I can tell there's passion behind it, but I just don't.
[558.6s] I'm not getting any of it.
[559.6s] The way I'm not understanding is we were outlined some wrongdoings and sure, yes, that
[568.4s] happened.
[569.4s] Mistakes were made.
[571.3s] But now as we try to fix them, we are bamboozled in a cage.
[575.7s] How is this supposed to change anything?
[577.4s] Yeah.
[578.4s] How is it supposed to change anything?
[580.2s] Yeah, Dr. Monkey.
[585.2s] Nanpa is far away talking, talking to these other weird assemblage of creatures who kind
[590.9s] of came up right as soon as the cage went down.
[593.5s] Yeah, let's just.
[594.5s] Sorry.
[595.5s] Let's talk about those creatures.
[596.5s] I was going to say, take a second and maybe feel free if you want me to jump
[600.3s] in on any.
[601.3s] But if you want to describe them, Lindsay, that would be great.
[605.5s] Sure.
[607.6s] Only one is a human.
[609.0s] He's tattooed from his neck to his toes.
[613.9s] He's wearing a white sort of sleeveless t-shirt, big, big black billowing pants.
[621.2s] He seems to have a tome of some sort on his side and just covered in tattoos.
[628.2s] There's a big tall mantis creature with a wicked looking, looking two headed battle
[638.5s] axe at the ready.
[641.2s] You also see what looks like an ooze carrying a holy symbol.
[650.0s] And you know, I don't know if you can tell if it's a holy symbol, an unholy symbol,
[655.1s] a neutral symbol, but it's definitely kind of religious looking and a little pseudopod
[659.1s] comes out of the ooze, holds up the holy symbol, once while an ear comes out of
[664.8s] the ooze and listens to what someone else is saying and sometimes a head comes out
[668.8s] of the ooze and nods.
[670.1s] Well, certainly there's an interesting collection of folks here.
[675.5s] Are we being punished?
[677.6s] With that, there's a knock at the door.
[680.4s] Now, why would there be a knock at the door?
[681.9s] This is a prison. People can just walk in all the time.
[684.7s] Let's just say there's like bars.
[686.2s] There's not really a door.
[687.7s] Oh, there's like a door.
[689.0s] Like to the to the chamber, right?
[690.6s] To the chamber.
[691.5s] Oh, OK.
[692.5s] You didn't say there was a door when we came in.
[694.5s] A secret rock door you didn't see before it opens.
[697.8s] If you had a dwarf, if you thought to bring a dwarf with you, you would have seen it.
[701.9s] Where's your dwarf?
[703.0s] Where's your dwarf, people?
[704.7s] A human dressed in robes enters.
[710.7s] And looks to the group that's not behind bars and says, Daisy, we'll see you now.
[720.8s] I'm fucking around, I guess.
[723.2s] And then Paul looks a little his face never moves.
[725.9s] He's a robot with no movable features, but his head hangs a little bit.
[730.6s] He looks a little crestfallen as he squeaks after the robe figure.
[735.2s] Time to see Daisy.
[737.4s] I hope he's in the biggest amount of trouble.
[739.8s] Me too. What if he was supposed to just give us dinner or something, and instead he put us in prison?
[745.6s] Can I squeeze through these bars?
[747.6s] I'm a small person.
[749.4s] No, they're jail bars.
[752.4s] You're four feet tall.
[754.7s] It matters how thin I am, not how tall I am.
[758.1s] Okay, so you're six inches thin?
[761.8s] No.
[762.9s] I know how big six inches is, Russell.
[767.7s] That sounded weirdly pointed.
[773.4s] For no particular reason do I know.
[776.3s] Okay, fine.
[776.9s] I can't squeeze through the bars.
[778.7s] Is there...
[781.7s] The bars came from above?
[783.7s] Or below?
[785.1s] You're in an entirely different area.
[788.3s] I said you're in a jail cell.
[789.9s] So bars came down and then they took us to the jail cell.
[792.8s] Oh, well, that part I didn't understand.
[794.7s] Shut up, Tom.
[795.8s] I didn't either.
[796.4s] Fuck you, Tom.
[797.5s] If no one but God agrees that's what happened, did it happen?
[800.1s] I mean, I didn't follow that either, but just hearing Russ like spell it out for you was very funny.
[805.8s] You're not even there.
[806.8s] I was under the impression that we were still in the barge.
[812.2s] Oh, no, I kind of had...
[813.7s] Well, fuck, come on now.
[817.1s] Okay, well, never mind.
[818.1s] I'd like to pick the lock.
[819.5s] You check your pockets and realize that everybody has taken all of your things from you.
[823.2s] All of my things?
[824.1s] All of your things.
[824.7s] What about my rock?
[825.7s] They put you in jail.
[827.1s] Did they take my rock?
[827.9s] What about the stuff in her butt?
[828.9s] Yeah, what about the keistered stuff?
[830.3s] His butt.
[831.3s] Sorry.
[831.8s] That's okay.
[832.9s] It's not a name, his butt.
[834.9s] Or is it?
[836.9s] I'll never tell.
[839.3s] Yeah, what about the secret...
[841.5s] Lockpick that I've keistered?
[843.3s] Yeah.
[843.9s] What about the butt stuff, Russ?
[845.7s] Okay, roll me straight D20.
[850.2s] Above 10, you've got your lockpicks in your butt.
[853.4s] Below 10, you don't have your lockpicks in your butt.
[856.8s] This doesn't seem very fair.
[858.0s] It's 50-50.
[862.4s] It's 10.
[866.7s] You have half of your lockpick set in your butt.
[871.4s] Above and below, he didn't say what happened with 10.
[874.4s] Guys, I can only get 50% of them out.
[878.3s] We're gonna have to work with what we've got here.
[881.4s] Can I roll a disadvantage to pick a lock with only half the amount of lockpicks I need?
[886.0s] As the secret stone door closes, you unkeister half of your lockpick set
[893.2s] and can roll with disadvantage to try and pick the lock.
[897.3s] And did all the baddies go to see Daisy or just...
[900.1s] Everybody, yeah, the whole group left.
[904.1s] Fuck me.
[906.3s] I can't roll above a 10.
[907.7s] Plus slight of hand.
[908.9s] Yeah, so that is a 12.
[912.0s] Yeah, with half of the lockpick set, you are unable to pick this lock.
[916.9s] Guys, they're just too slippery.
[921.5s] Let's just let that sit for a second.
[923.3s] Yeah, yeah, just a long silence after that.
[928.3s] Okay, so...
[929.7s] Come back.
[930.9s] What the heck?
[932.0s] We're trying to help.
[936.9s] I made Russ make a face.
[938.8s] We're trying to help the orb.
[941.2s] So are they the cult?
[942.3s] Is there no cult?
[943.3s] I don't understand.
[944.2s] Is there an orb?
[945.5s] Is this just about punishing us for bad things that we did?
[948.7s] Great question.
[949.6s] This is a great question.
[950.4s] Is there even a fucking prophecy?
[953.7s] We've just been swindled.
[955.0s] I'm mad.
[955.6s] I guess nothing they said could be true.
[959.0s] Melt these bars with your magic.
[960.9s] Oh, can you do that?
[962.1s] Try that.
[963.0s] I mean, I can try.
[964.1s] Okay, great.
[964.9s] All right, stand back.
[968.0s] Yeah, I guess I'll hit it with a scorching ray.
[970.4s] Fuck, I hope a unicorn shows up.
[973.1s] Yeah, but outside the bars.
[978.6s] Okay, so to hit is a 17 on the bars.
[982.3s] You'll hit the bars, yeah.
[983.9s] Perfect.
[985.5s] The bars don't jump out of the way or...
[987.7s] Do you want some damage as well?
[989.0s] Yeah, give me some damage.
[990.3s] That is nine fire damage.
[992.7s] Describe to me how cool Moot looks casting this spell.
[997.0s] I mean, Moot looks super cool.
[999.0s] He...
[1000.1s] Oh, sorry, I guess it...
[1001.9s] Oh, no, that's right.
[1002.7s] It says there's three rays, but yet I roll a two d6s.
[1008.6s] All right.
[1009.5s] Oh, no, there we go.
[1010.5s] Three d6s.
[1011.2s] All right, hang on.
[1011.7s] There's one more at a four to that.
[1014.7s] So 13, I guess.
[1015.7s] Sure, even better.
[1017.6s] Moot looks super cool doing this to jail cell bars.
[1024.9s] He's just got like a torrent of fire coming out of his hands.
[1028.2s] Swirling around your hands and you release it towards the bars
[1032.3s] and this field shoots up out of...
[1036.6s] Almost out of the ground, it seems,
[1038.9s] as the fire redirects back towards the three of you
[1042.9s] and you each take 13 fire damage.
[1045.9s] Wait, we don't share the fire damage among us?
[1049.2s] No.
[1049.8s] Sharing is caring.
[1051.3s] As you fall to the ground coughing and trying to catch your breath,
[1057.0s] as the air around you is just ignited,
[1060.4s] we transition to another room.
[1063.4s] A board room of sorts.
[1067.1s] And inside it's wood paneled.
[1071.7s] It's like a floral yellow and green wallpaper on the walls.
[1077.4s] And in walks Nampaw Nine and Professor Smart Monkey,
[1081.7s] followed by their crew.
[1084.5s] As this person leads them in,
[1087.7s] tells them you can have a seat and Daisy will be in shortly.
[1092.1s] Fine, I'll take a kettle of whiskey, but only one.
[1095.3s] And under protest.
[1097.3s] Kettle of whiskey coming right up.
[1099.8s] And he exits through a back door that's like a panel door
[1105.7s] that doesn't look like a door.
[1107.0s] It's just a secret entrance.
[1108.5s] You all sit down and everybody's kind of just silently
[1112.0s] looking at each other,
[1113.3s] waiting for someone to break the tension.
[1116.2s] Well, I've had better days, kids.
[1119.6s] The ooze kind of lifts up its ear and the holy symbol
[1124.2s] and pulls itself up onto the table slowly.
[1128.1s] And Professor Smart Monkey reaches into his pocket
[1132.1s] and starts like tossing the chalk up into the air.
[1138.3s] You know, they might pay out, Professor.
[1142.1s] They might, Nampaw looks around at the rest of the crew.
[1147.1s] They might allow you guys, your brains back.
[1152.2s] Or maybe we'll just see.
[1155.0s] He leans over to the professor and says,
[1157.8s] maybe we'll just kill everybody and leave.
[1161.1s] Professor Smart Monkey stops at that for a moment.
[1169.0s] You know, maybe with those morons in the cage,
[1174.5s] we can team up.
[1179.8s] Get paid, kick balls, and get the hell out of here.
[1184.0s] With that, the back panel door opens up and in walks
[1187.7s] a small gnome in a freshly pressed lavender pantsuit.
[1194.1s] Hair pulled back into a tight bun.
[1197.7s] She hops up onto the chair at the end and says,
[1201.7s] well, it looks like you balls
[1205.3s] have finally done something right.
[1207.4s] Listen, Lick would be nothing without balls.
[1210.5s] Don't give me that.
[1211.4s] You bureaucrats are nothing.
[1212.9s] Lick has the power of Orcus at his side.
[1215.0s] Lick does everything Lick needs, but you are called in
[1217.9s] just to get the nuisances out of the way.
[1222.1s] Balls, balls is the answer.
[1225.2s] Balls is always the answer.
[1226.7s] Conversations, can I just talk to the monkey?
[1228.9s] I don't know why I didn't start with him.
[1232.0s] Nampaw wheels himself into the corner and just like sulking.
[1235.9s] Professor Smart Monkey looks over to Nampaw Nine.
[1240.1s] No, no, no.
[1240.6s] You please lead this conversation with Daisy.
[1243.1s] I'm done.
[1246.2s] Yes, he is very difficult sometimes.
[1250.7s] The fact of the matter is you brought them all here
[1253.7s] and you're right.
[1255.6s] You do deserve your reward.
[1261.0s] Yep.
[1265.8s] What I want, Daisy.
[1267.5s] And he yells from the far corner of the paneled room.
[1271.2s] What I want is my team back.
[1273.3s] Your team back?
[1274.0s] Well, your team is under contract of sorts.
[1277.3s] The new right hand, well, I guess he's not new right hand,
[1282.3s] but he's very, loves just organization
[1287.5s] and having things neat in order.
[1291.6s] I mean, you've met Vorunax once and Lipsinki,
[1294.9s] she's new around here.
[1296.7s] I think she's coming in later today
[1299.8s] just to kind of deal with this problem.
[1301.9s] What I want is a tag in my chassis
[1305.3s] that doesn't say morally questionable.
[1307.9s] Well, if you weren't so morally questionable,
[1310.1s] we wouldn't have to put that tag on you.
[1312.0s] Now would we, Nampaw?
[1313.3s] Pay us and let's end this charade.
[1315.4s] I don't like you.
[1316.5s] You don't like me.
[1317.7s] Stop fucking around.
[1320.0s] Stop fucking around.
[1321.3s] All right, I'll stop fucking around.
[1323.6s] She gets up.
[1324.8s] She grabs her clipboard
[1325.7s] that I forgot to mention when she walks in
[1328.0s] and she storms out of the back panel,
[1330.1s] slams it behind her.
[1332.1s] Your counterparts, their gaze drifts over to you
[1335.9s] sulking in the corner
[1337.0s] and then over to Professor Smart Monkey
[1339.1s] who also is looking troubled
[1344.9s] and you hear a click at both doors
[1350.5s] as if they are locked.
[1352.3s] I love that it's a big cave.
[1354.1s] And they're like secret sliding stone doors
[1358.3s] and then it's like how when you lock a bathroom.
[1364.6s] I'm picturing this super like Dr. Evil cave.
[1369.2s] There's probably a stream at some point.
[1371.1s] Sure.
[1372.5s] There's a hiss that starts
[1376.4s] and gas is beginning to fill the room.
[1380.9s] And we cut back to Moot, Clem and Sully.
[1383.0s] Wait, that was my room, not their room?
[1386.4s] Yeah.
[1388.9s] I was like, you seem very nonchAlydint,
[1390.6s] but we all look at death differently as well.
[1395.8s] There's a lot about breathing
[1397.6s] and not breathing on my character sheet,
[1399.3s] which I shall study as you guys play D&D.
[1402.7s] And D&D we shall.
[1405.7s] So, oh my God, you guys,
[1409.3s] what if it's Ms. Man-Meow-Meow?
[1411.2s] You did mention Neverwinter.
[1413.0s] Yeah, you called it the Neverwinter,
[1414.3s] which was just weird.
[1415.7s] But now I feel so bad.
[1418.9s] What if it's all because of me
[1422.1s] and that stupid ledger
[1424.2s] and escaping from prison?
[1426.1s] Can I say something?
[1428.2s] I know that you stole that
[1431.1s] and you shouldn't have.
[1432.8s] But if you hadn't have,
[1433.6s] we never would have even met.
[1436.2s] We never would have met.
[1437.7s] None of us would be together.
[1438.8s] I mean, that's true.
[1439.4s] That's true.
[1440.3s] Yeah.
[1440.5s] So I feel like it was the right thing,
[1443.3s] even though it was the wrong thing.
[1444.3s] Well, I mean, she told me to do it,
[1446.1s] but she's awful.
[1449.3s] And so what if now this is her,
[1451.4s] you know, getting me back?
[1452.8s] I don't know.
[1453.2s] Do you think that she had access
[1454.8s] to like a subterranean prison?
[1457.4s] It's true.
[1458.0s] I don't.
[1458.6s] She had her own prison.
[1459.6s] Why would she need a second prison?
[1461.4s] I don't know.
[1461.8s] I know she was very powerful,
[1463.3s] like kind of locally,
[1464.7s] but I don't know.
[1465.5s] This seems like a pretty wide reaching.
[1468.5s] Yeah, I guess.
[1469.5s] I don't know.
[1470.2s] I mean, you could be right.
[1471.7s] She could walk through the door right now.
[1474.1s] And we all pause and look at the door like.
[1476.5s] Just in case.
[1478.1s] That would have been pretty cool, though.
[1479.3s] Also, guys, can I just apologize
[1481.0s] for the fire thing?
[1482.8s] Uh, yeah.
[1484.6s] I mean, you know, I'm like mostly
[1487.3s] only just like hurt me a little bit.
[1488.9s] But like, you know,
[1489.7s] I thought maybe it might work.
[1491.2s] And Sully, you were so
[1492.4s] like supportive of the idea.
[1493.8s] You know what?
[1494.4s] I thought, you know, it looks so cool.
[1496.9s] All right.
[1497.2s] Well, that's something.
[1498.0s] My clothes are ruined, though.
[1499.7s] But luckily, I was wearing
[1503.3s] the cult robe.
[1504.5s] So like my regular good stuff
[1506.8s] is still OK.
[1508.8s] Actually, I'm just going to take
[1509.9s] and he takes off the tattered pieces
[1511.8s] of the the robe that he was wearing.
[1514.0s] I'm just going to take these off.
[1515.3s] Maybe use them as like a weapon
[1518.2s] of some kind.
[1518.9s] Now it's in strips.
[1520.9s] I can like grot somebody with it.
[1523.1s] I don't know.
[1523.8s] Oh, I would love to see that.
[1525.2s] Yeah, I'm going to need a boost.
[1527.0s] Yeah, just climb up their back and just.
[1528.6s] Do we call someone in here?
[1530.0s] Are they going to give us food or?
[1532.1s] We cut to a small office.
[1534.6s] And Daisy is storming in.
[1539.8s] Just horrendously upset
[1542.4s] and seated behind the desk
[1544.4s] is a gnome with two pigtails
[1550.9s] who sees her enter
[1552.3s] and Daisy stops and says,
[1554.7s] Oh, Lipsinki, I thought
[1556.9s] I thought you were coming later.
[1558.2s] Oh, well, you know me.
[1559.4s] I just show up whenever I feel like it.
[1561.4s] Just a little bit early,
[1562.3s] a little surprise.
[1563.2s] Yeah, well, good, good,
[1564.9s] good news on several fronts.
[1566.9s] Good news on several fronts.
[1569.5s] I love good news.
[1570.5s] Yes, I know you do.
[1572.1s] Balls, you know,
[1573.7s] you know those,
[1574.3s] you know, those crazy kids balls.
[1578.5s] They brought in the nuisances,
[1581.9s] the ones that that orcas
[1584.9s] has prophesized will maybe.
[1586.9s] The requested new nuisances are here now.
[1589.3s] Yes, they are here now.
[1591.6s] That is good.
[1593.8s] Well, that is good news.
[1595.0s] You said you had more good news.
[1596.3s] Yes, we are taking care of balls as we speak.
[1600.1s] The room is filling with gas.
[1602.9s] Eliminate that problem.
[1605.5s] Right.
[1606.9s] Do you think they're all susceptible to gas?
[1610.4s] Well, why wouldn't they be susceptible to gas?
[1612.8s] Well, I thought that one little fellow
[1614.2s] was kind of like a
[1615.7s] mechanical and maybe didn't have
[1617.7s] the breathing organs and.
[1622.9s] Right, right.
[1625.0s] What I forgot to tell you is that
[1626.4s] also fire will start after the gas.
[1629.7s] Fire will start after the gas
[1631.2s] and she opens the door and she's like,
[1633.1s] Victor, Victor, remember the fire.
[1635.3s] Remember the fire, please.
[1637.7s] Third point of order,
[1639.6s] that team we sent,
[1641.3s] you know, to the moon
[1643.7s] to open the gateway to the abyss
[1645.5s] and allow the portal power to erupt forth.
[1650.9s] Right.
[1651.5s] That that is underway as well.
[1653.7s] That's great news.
[1655.5s] Yes, look, we're just checking off boxes
[1658.1s] left, right and center.
[1659.1s] You are doing such a good job.
[1660.8s] And then all of these portals
[1662.1s] will begin opening up and then.
[1664.9s] And well, I mean, you say it better than I do,
[1668.5s] but I mean, it's time for celebration.
[1672.2s] Well, I think like the orcas party
[1674.1s] is going to be starting real soon.
[1676.3s] Sounds like Vorunax maybe mentioned a
[1680.5s] promotion if I managed to do
[1683.6s] so many so many good things.
[1686.4s] Oh, well, I'm not sure he
[1688.9s] didn't mention that to me.
[1690.2s] I'm not didn't make it down the chain
[1693.1s] when you were having your meetings.
[1697.1s] Well, maybe maybe he just forgot.
[1698.5s] I'll talk to him next time I see him
[1701.1s] and just see if that's important to him
[1705.7s] and to orcas.
[1712.4s] We cut back to the boardroom
[1714.3s] as the room is slowly filling.
[1716.4s] You can see it.
[1717.2s] It's like water slowly filling
[1718.9s] with this green gas.
[1722.0s] Professor Smart Monkey looks to Nanpah
[1724.9s] with a panicked face.
[1726.6s] Nanpah is going to roll over
[1729.3s] to Professor Smart Monkey
[1731.3s] and hug him from behind.
[1733.3s] Like he's like he's doing
[1734.4s] a rescue swimming crawl
[1737.4s] and says just go limp little buddy.
[1740.2s] Go limp and he goes.
[1743.0s] This is why they call me pop pop
[1745.3s] and you hear pop and a little flap
[1748.1s] comes out of the back of his chassis
[1750.1s] like the back of a union suit
[1752.9s] and then there's a second pop pop
[1755.4s] and out of the back of that flap
[1757.7s] the whole black ball
[1760.1s] that he's been rolling on
[1761.6s] suddenly inflates all at once
[1763.7s] like a like a slide on an airplane
[1766.5s] and suddenly he's 10 feet tall.
[1769.1s] He's like a buff Michelin man
[1771.4s] and he pulls off his features
[1774.1s] from his face
[1775.5s] and he puts him on his belly
[1777.4s] and he pulls down his fez
[1778.9s] to hide his head
[1780.1s] and he's just a big dude.
[1783.1s] He takes his crossbow
[1785.3s] and he takes his shield
[1787.1s] and he takes his baseball bat somehow
[1789.4s] and he grabs Professor Smart Monkey
[1791.6s] and he and he kicks in the door.
[1794.6s] Thank you for saying door
[1795.6s] and not kicks Professor Smart Monkey.
[1799.2s] Takes Professor Smart Monkey
[1800.4s] and bashes him against the door.
[1801.7s] Just destroys him.
[1803.0s] Uses him as a weapon.
[1804.9s] Go limp.
[1806.1s] Go limp.
[1806.9s] Because Nanpa 9 is a rune knight
[1810.3s] and he is suddenly large size
[1812.2s] and he's way stronger
[1814.3s] and he kicks open the door
[1816.2s] towards the cage
[1817.5s] where Destiny's children watch.
[1821.3s] The door erupts open into the the prison area
[1825.3s] and Nanpa 9 and Smart Monkey
[1827.9s] who's gone limp
[1828.9s] and probably is concussed.
[1830.9s] Look back at your your team
[1832.7s] as the gas is pouring out of this office now
[1836.6s] and into this new chamber
[1838.7s] that you are walking in
[1839.7s] this prison chamber
[1840.5s] that you are walking into
[1842.1s] and you look back at them
[1843.2s] and they're not they're unmoving
[1845.4s] like there's they're looking at you
[1847.4s] but there's no recognition behind their eyes.
[1849.4s] Guys guys nothing nothing.
[1851.1s] Come on come on.
[1852.9s] None of them.
[1854.2s] Mooklem and Sully.
[1857.2s] Do you still look like Nanpa 9
[1859.3s] when you're big
[1860.1s] or is it something like unrecognizable?
[1862.5s] He's he's wearing a black
[1863.5s] he looks like a buff Michelin man
[1865.1s] he's wearing a black suit.
[1866.2s] Okay.
[1866.5s] He's got the full
[1867.3s] the full Russ More vision
[1869.7s] of the men in black effect.
[1871.3s] Yep.
[1871.9s] Is what he looks like
[1872.7s] so his head is yoga ball size now
[1875.3s] not volleyball sized
[1877.3s] and his mustache is kind of proportionate
[1880.2s] and his big crossbow is a hand crossbow
[1882.7s] and his baseball bat's a billy club.
[1886.0s] So busting into this prison
[1888.4s] into your prison cell
[1889.8s] and now gas pouring in
[1892.1s] is Nanpa 9 carrying a gone limp
[1895.2s] Professor Smart Monkey.
[1896.5s] You see the the three others
[1898.3s] in this in this boardroom behind them
[1900.5s] based on how this room has exploded out
[1902.6s] who appear unmoving
[1905.3s] from somewhere beyond you hear like
[1909.2s] muffled yelling
[1911.6s] but you can't quite make out
[1912.6s] what they're saying.
[1913.4s] Nanpa yells out
[1914.8s] open the Werther's.
[1917.9s] Shut the door
[1919.4s] you're letting all the poison out.
[1921.5s] Or I guess maybe in
[1923.3s] in this case.
[1924.9s] I guess it depends on
[1925.8s] when you want the poison.
[1927.9s] Looks sadly at his slack jawed team
[1932.1s] and robots don't sob.
[1935.3s] But just close slowly closes the door
[1939.3s] and looks back at you guys.
[1941.3s] I'm gonna open the Werther's
[1942.8s] but I'm gonna I'm trying to do it
[1944.0s] kind of quietly
[1944.7s] because I don't really want
[1946.1s] Sully and Moot to know
[1947.1s] that I'm doing it
[1947.7s] but of course that means
[1948.7s] it's like somehow takes 10 minutes
[1950.7s] and it's so loud
[1952.1s] instead of just like pulling it open.
[1953.9s] Sure.
[1954.3s] You know you've all been to movies.
[1955.7s] You're you're miss.
[1956.9s] Yeah we call that the movie theater special.
[1957.9s] You are Mr. Bean at church
[1960.1s] trying to eat a hard candy.
[1961.3s] Yes but I get it open
[1963.0s] and then like should I
[1965.6s] do you want me to eat it.
[1966.6s] I mean I don't.
[1967.5s] Oh my god Glim don't eat it.
[1969.6s] You open the Werther's
[1971.6s] and inside as you hear
[1973.7s] the crinkled wrappers
[1975.3s] painfully unwrapping
[1977.3s] is a key.
[1980.7s] Sully it's a key.
[1982.9s] That's like your
[1984.5s] do you want to do the honors
[1985.6s] is probably the gifts out of here.
[1987.3s] I mean you can do it
[1988.1s] but I'm just like
[1989.3s] feeling real bad
[1990.1s] I told you not to eat it earlier.
[1991.6s] Why did you give us a key
[1992.9s] earlier.
[1993.4s] You seemed really.
[1994.5s] Well actually not eating it
[1995.9s] was the right advice.
[1997.3s] It's what if I thought
[1998.3s] it was a key shaped Werther's.
[1999.7s] I mean I don't think
[2000.3s] I would have done that
[2000.9s] but I may be and
[2002.6s] let's unlock the door.
[2004.7s] The yelling from down the hall
[2006.1s] sounds like it's getting louder
[2007.4s] and coming closer.
[2009.0s] I try the key in the lock.
[2011.6s] And it opens like a
[2016.9s] noise happens
[2018.1s] and the door swings open
[2020.2s] and you're able to step up.
[2021.9s] We haven't forgiven you
[2022.9s] but let's fucking leave.
[2024.1s] I don't expect you to
[2025.9s] and let's kill everybody instead
[2028.3s] and then leave.
[2029.5s] You know what I'm mad enough.
[2030.9s] Let's do it.
[2031.6s] Glim's that okay.
[2033.0s] I mean these are evil guys.
[2034.0s] They're real evil
[2034.7s] and so are you.
[2036.8s] I'm morally questionable
[2038.1s] he shows you his tag.
[2039.2s] I can't believe that
[2040.2s] identification system anymore
[2041.5s] everything is a lie.
[2042.4s] Really doesn't it check out.
[2044.9s] Well I mean isn't that always right.
[2047.2s] You know with the leisure
[2049.9s] of more time to think about it
[2051.3s] I'm sure I'd agree.
[2052.5s] However you got a bigger problem.
[2055.3s] Did I tell you Orcus
[2056.3s] is always naked by the way.
[2058.4s] I'm sorry Orcus.
[2061.7s] Always naked.
[2062.9s] That's your question Moot.
[2065.2s] Don't know.
[2066.5s] I mean if you could be always
[2067.9s] it's really intimidating.
[2075.1s] It's a real power move
[2076.4s] when you go into shark
[2077.5s] it really is standing there
[2079.5s] saying I got the money.
[2082.3s] What are you going to give me.
[2084.2s] Oh yuck.
[2086.1s] Okay a side door smashes open
[2089.3s] and on the other side
[2090.3s] are three cultists with a sword
[2094.1s] a sickle and that one has nunchucks.
[2106.3s] No big deal.
[2107.6s] And they say
[2109.0s] stop stop get back in your cell
[2110.9s] what are you what are you doing
[2112.0s] and charge towards you.
[2113.9s] Sully you were up first
[2114.9s] three cultists sword sickle nunchucks.
[2118.1s] All right I'm going for nunchuck guy.
[2120.7s] Chuck.
[2121.0s] Okay you have none of your equipment on you.
[2124.4s] You have that that.
[2125.7s] I do have one thing.
[2126.9s] You have your garroting torn robes.
[2130.3s] I have better than garroting things you guys.
[2133.4s] I looked at my character sheet.
[2137.0s] What I truly doubt that they stripped me
[2141.3s] of these non-descript cloths
[2144.4s] around my wrists being my master's hand wraps.
[2149.3s] That's right we've never heard of this
[2150.5s] before folks strap in.
[2152.4s] Amy's about to read off her character sheet.
[2155.3s] Lindsay I hope you know
[2156.4s] that this is like a momentous occasion.
[2162.5s] I mean it's a long paragraph
[2164.1s] no I'm just kidding.
[2164.9s] So they're just wraps around my wrists
[2166.3s] that they add to my unarmed strikes.
[2169.3s] Also when I take an attack action
[2171.8s] I can choose to make a special attack as well
[2174.7s] lashing out with the extra strips of fabric
[2177.7s] and like pulling a creature closer to me.
[2179.8s] So it's very exciting.
[2181.9s] So I'm going to take an action first
[2184.0s] which is going to be obviously an unarmed strike.
[2187.7s] I'm going to just like run up
[2189.0s] and just like punch jump and punch
[2193.5s] nunchuck dude in the face.
[2199.7s] All that all that all that lead up
[2204.5s] does a wait that's a five does a seven hit.
[2210.7s] No had you said anything else maybe eight
[2217.6s] would have done it maybe not so much seven
[2220.4s] I have a hard time believing
[2221.7s] a trained nunchuck cultist has a dexterity of minus two.
[2226.4s] Shut up I'm not done my turn.
[2229.1s] I'm going to describe what I do.
[2231.3s] I run up and I two hand punch on either side of his head
[2235.3s] and then just go like I'm blowing seven different kinds of smoke
[2240.5s] and then I and then and then and then I um
[2247.3s] I disengage as my as my cunning action.
[2252.1s] And I and I backwards so you're welcome.
[2259.4s] You get to call us next it's going to be nunchuck guy
[2265.7s] because I think he's probably a little confused right now
[2268.1s] and wants to respond because I think we all are
[2272.2s] and I'm really sorry for wasting everyone's time.
[2276.9s] I love my favorite.
[2278.9s] Yep uh nunchuck is stunned
[2287.2s] and takes a moment to collect himself
[2290.7s] and it's like seven kinds of smoke.
[2293.5s] Like you um can somebody else take this
[2301.0s] and he calls to one of his friends
[2303.4s] the sickle person beside who's going to
[2307.5s] who looks at Nampaw nine and then kind of like
[2310.6s] you see this look in his eyes like maybe not yet.
[2314.1s] It's above my pay grade.
[2315.6s] And charges towards glim.
[2317.7s] I mean that's a weird I'm also big and intimidating okay.
[2322.9s] But slightly less than a giant robot.
[2325.2s] Yeah that's true.
[2326.0s] Robot.
[2327.7s] Does a 15 hit without armor on.
[2331.3s] Oh yeah my chainmail only makes me a 16
[2335.2s] and I have an 18 AC so I think it is not.
[2339.5s] I think that's all that's all me.
[2341.2s] That's all natural baby.
[2342.9s] Wow.
[2343.9s] Okay yeah then uh yeah he charges over to you
[2346.9s] and you dodge out of the way of his of his advance.
[2350.9s] I'm gonna throw it to you there glim.
[2354.1s] Okay can I try and fire blast him.
[2356.3s] Please do.
[2357.4s] Oh wait you have to roll.
[2359.5s] You need to get uh uh dexed.
[2363.3s] Oh I mean that's perfect.
[2366.5s] You did your job excellent.
[2368.7s] I did it I'm playing D&D guys.
[2370.6s] Does that mean you get double damage.
[2372.8s] Sure.
[2376.5s] No let's not set that precedent.
[2378.1s] Some of us roll lots of ones.
[2380.1s] For now.
[2381.7s] I die.
[2384.3s] 14 fire damage.
[2387.4s] You touch my donkey blast.
[2390.4s] Yeah yeah so you like his robes are lit
[2395.5s] and he's screaming running around on fire
[2399.0s] which is a terrible thing to do but he's doing it
[2404.2s] and like runs and hits the bars and knocks himself out.
[2407.9s] Moot do something cool.
[2409.3s] Okay uh Moot is going to take a look at the nunchuck guy
[2413.7s] who's still pretty confused about what happened earlier
[2417.6s] and uh he's gonna hit him with a mind spike.
[2421.1s] So I'm gonna reach into that confused mind
[2424.4s] and you have to make a wisdom saving throw.
[2426.9s] Now being so confused are you maybe like yeah disadvantage on that.
[2431.6s] He's already confused.
[2432.9s] Is it disadvantage?
[2435.3s] Sure I rolled a nine.
[2438.1s] I mean it's not great and it's not enough to dodge the full damage.
[2441.7s] So you're taking 3d8 psychic damage.
[2445.3s] Do it.
[2445.9s] It's a good spell.
[2447.2s] So what you're saying is I confused him enough to make your spell.
[2452.4s] Yeah you like listen to the lid on the pickle jar and then he opened it.
[2456.1s] You're taking 21 psychic damage.
[2459.3s] Oh baby.
[2460.6s] As he's focused on the all the kinds of smoke that Sully's blowing
[2465.6s] because this is all kind of happening at the same time like you he he goes from confusion to
[2470.9s] pain to being on the ground doubling over with his eyes like bulging out of his head and
[2476.9s] crumples in silence.
[2479.8s] There's one swordsman left.
[2483.3s] Nanpah does see this and says whoops bad magic.
[2488.0s] You get it.
[2488.7s] So right before he started the song, Russ turned around and he had cat's eyes.
[2509.3s] Yeah it was really spooky.
[2510.1s] When he looked into the camera.
[2512.2s] Scary stuff.
[2513.2s] Darkness falls across the land.
[2516.0s] Yeah and then Vincent Price showed up so.
[2518.1s] Yeah it's getting weird over here you guys.
[2520.7s] I'm scared.
[2521.5s] Just a classic January kind of thriller thing.
[2524.6s] It's just a Jan thriller.
[2526.9s] You know what we Jan you okay I'm just gonna keep talking over top of everybody here.
[2531.0s] Perfect.
[2531.7s] We're glad to be back here in January.
[2533.6s] I know we were only off for a literal week but it felt like much longer than that.
[2538.9s] Through the magic of recording in advance we were off for longer than a week and
[2542.5s] it was delightful.
[2543.6s] It was very good.
[2544.5s] We had a good break.
[2545.3s] We hope you had a good break too.
[2547.1s] We're in the middle of this episode where we teased off the top that you should
[2550.3s] listen right through to the end because some wild and crazy things are happening
[2554.5s] and will continue to happen through the last little bit of this episode.
[2558.8s] So just a reminder that there will be explanation after the episode.
[2563.3s] Hold your questions until the end please.
[2565.9s] No questions yet.
[2566.9s] But then if you have questions like feel free to hop on over to discord ask your
[2570.5s] questions but all will be revealed.
[2573.4s] That's right.
[2573.8s] Put them in the spoiler chat if they're explicitly spoilers.
[2577.9s] Yes.
[2578.5s] And you can even use that extra spoiler tag.
[2581.1s] Yeah yeah yeah.
[2582.3s] And feel free to be mad at me specifically if anything happens.
[2586.7s] Not me.
[2587.3s] I don't handle confrontation well but if you want to take all that pent up
[2591.1s] feeling and just give it give it to Russ that's fine.
[2594.3s] Yeah we'll give you a little tip.
[2596.3s] It gets easier the more you get mad at Russ.
[2599.6s] The first time feels wrong but then when you keep having to go back to the well
[2603.7s] like it really becomes second nature.
[2608.6s] So what else can we say.
[2610.4s] We've kind of really teed this up I think higher than it's going to be.
[2613.8s] I agree.
[2614.6s] So just like everything's cool don't worry about it.
[2617.3s] Just go back listen to the whole episode.
[2619.5s] Listen to the next 20 minutes.
[2620.6s] One and a half time speed if you want.
[2622.1s] It's fine.
[2623.4s] No there's some cool stuff that happened.
[2624.7s] Okay don't listen.
[2625.7s] Listen on half speed then.
[2627.3s] Don't listen.
[2628.1s] That makes it sound like you're a robot.
[2630.0s] So just listen to at the regular speed you enjoy listening.
[2633.5s] Yes all right.
[2634.9s] You live your life I think is what we're the constant message.
[2639.3s] That's the one.
[2641.3s] And then join us at Patreon.com slash dumb dragoncast.
[2643.3s] Okay thanks bye.
[2646.9s] So yeah Nanpah's kind of at the far end of the cavern from the rest of them
[2650.4s] but really big he's going to very tenderly put down the professor
[2654.9s] and stride over to just try to get really in the middle of everybody if he can.
[2663.3s] He wants to be near as many of the Destiny's children as he can
[2668.1s] and he wants to you know get in front of Sickle
[2672.3s] and just bash him in the face with his billy club
[2676.2s] and say I've been waiting to do this forever bureaucrats.
[2680.0s] And he's going to roll and it's a dirty 20.
[2686.9s] Yeah that's going to hit give me some damage.
[2689.2s] That's 12 damage of billy club in the face.
[2693.3s] His face is crushed in as this billy club connects
[2697.8s] and his head spins around and is unrecognizable from what he was before.
[2703.1s] The three guards have all been dispatched and you hear
[2711.5s] or I guess Nanpah 9 recognizes the voice of Daisy calling down.
[2720.5s] Things aren't going well.
[2721.7s] I probably didn't deserve the promotion
[2723.0s] but you should probably just come help me deal with this
[2725.2s] because I'm just a bureaucrat.
[2726.9s] Well now you told me it was all good news.
[2728.9s] Now you tell me it's bad news.
[2730.2s] What's the bad news?
[2732.2s] They've escaped.
[2736.4s] I'm sorry you had them here and they have escaped.
[2739.8s] Well maybe maybe.
[2741.8s] How about I go see for myself.
[2745.4s] Would you like me to come with you and escort you to show you the way?
[2748.1s] Yes please let's go quickly.
[2750.3s] You hear high heeled footsteps walking down towards your prison cell.
[2756.5s] How do we get out of here Nanpah?
[2758.3s] Where are all my stuff?
[2760.1s] That's also a good question.
[2761.3s] And can the professor use his magic and get us out of here all at once?
[2766.5s] Professor's in bad shape.
[2767.8s] I'm gonna have to carry him.
[2769.3s] Your stuff is down the hall in the evidence room
[2773.7s] and Nanpah uses his big long rubbery feet to kick down another door.
[2779.5s] Let's go get us stuff.
[2780.9s] I don't know that this is the way to the evidence room
[2783.2s] but this was the most rickety door.
[2786.9s] Let's try it.
[2788.4s] You crash out into a hallway and some other bureaucrats
[2795.0s] kind of run scatter out of the way and scream running down the hall.
[2799.7s] The hallway is clear.
[2801.7s] People dive into offices and you hear these quick footsteps
[2806.2s] being followed by slower paced ones more moderately paced ones
[2810.9s] coming down from the left and you see a doorway
[2815.6s] that has a big sign that says evidence in here off to the right.
[2821.4s] I would really like to get my sword and everything else.
[2823.7s] Let's just get in there and then get out.
[2825.8s] It's just this way Lipsinki.
[2828.1s] I don't think it'll take as long to get here
[2829.4s] and I hear there's a crashing door and people screaming.
[2832.1s] That probably means something's happening.
[2833.9s] All right I want you to maybe get behind me when we get in there.
[2838.8s] Drop him back.
[2840.8s] Is the door to the evidence room unlocked Ross?
[2843.0s] Can we just open it?
[2844.4s] It opens up and there's it's filled with all sorts of weapons
[2850.5s] and mystical artifacts and tomes and maps.
[2856.5s] And pa yells actually if you see the orb you should probably grab it.
[2861.5s] Fuck your orb.
[2862.5s] That's what got us in this situation the first place.
[2865.1s] Yeah it's a good orb.
[2866.1s] Grab it.
[2866.7s] Do I see the orb anywhere?
[2868.0s] Do we see our stuff anywhere?
[2869.7s] I'd like to grab random things.
[2871.4s] Yeah I want to roll a D100 and just grab something
[2874.1s] and we'll figure out what it is later.
[2875.5s] Oh that's fun.
[2876.7s] I've made my roll.
[2877.8s] I've written down the response.
[2880.4s] I'll let you know when it is time.
[2882.1s] Me too.
[2882.6s] Me too.
[2884.3s] Remember it's a purple.
[2887.3s] Okay everybody's got their random things.
[2889.3s] Okay who you're specifically looking for?
[2893.6s] I'll take lead on the orb
[2895.3s] because I don't really have equipment per se.
[2897.8s] Okay you roll me in an investigation for the orb.
[2901.9s] Everybody else you are able to find pretty quickly your things
[2906.4s] as they're newly added items they're just kind of tossed on top.
[2909.9s] That's 15 for the investigation.
[2911.9s] Rooting around quickly you hear the footsteps
[2915.3s] and like a sinister laugh coming from a very southern sounding gnome
[2923.1s] who rounds a corner and you see before you lip-synchy a giant
[2931.3s] not giant would you describe?
[2932.9s] He's guarding the door.
[2934.5s] A giant robot guarding the door so you don't see everybody else
[2938.1s] but you see this robot before you.
[2940.0s] So Nampa you also see who you recognize as lip-synchy
[2944.1s] coming around the corner who is Vorunax's right left hand
[2949.1s] you know right hand and Vorunax is the right hand to Orcus.
[2952.6s] Well well well.
[2953.6s] Welcome to the party child you look different in clothes.
[2957.5s] Well now what are you guys trying to do?
[2960.3s] And I'm going to attack myself what have you done to me Russ?
[2964.1s] I'm going to.
[2965.4s] Well you're attacking a robot right now you don't know
[2967.7s] that you don't see the other ones behind them.
[2969.9s] I'm in the way of the door.
[2971.4s] Well he can't block the whole door does he?
[2974.8s] He's giant.
[2976.1s] The big robot and it's a normal door.
[2978.4s] Okay well I'm not gonna do the thing I was gonna do
[2981.3s] and instead I'm going to Eldritch blast him.
[2987.3s] All right.
[2988.5s] Does a 24 hit?
[2991.3s] That is gonna hit.
[2992.7s] That only does six damage not so bad.
[2996.3s] Ow everybody inside you hear Nampa yell
[2999.8s] and the sound of this sweet sounding individual
[3003.4s] who might have hurt him outside.
[3005.8s] You okay big man?
[3007.3s] Y'all want to come out here?
[3009.3s] I've been dying to meet you.
[3010.7s] How close is is lip-synchy to Nampa?
[3015.4s] A longish hallway distance.
[3020.3s] All right so he is carefully gonna put his billy club
[3024.3s] down beside the slumped body of the professor.
[3028.5s] Hold this fest and pull out his hand crossbow
[3032.6s] and shoot it at lip-synchy.
[3035.4s] That's a three on the die.
[3036.7s] I don't think any bonus is gonna help that.
[3039.0s] That's an eight does an eight hit.
[3040.7s] It does not.
[3041.8s] So close though I bet.
[3043.8s] Lindsay welcome to my world.
[3045.7s] But I get two attacks per action
[3047.7s] because I'm a fighter.
[3051.6s] Does a 21 hit?
[3053.5s] Oh it does.
[3055.3s] Seven damage a little bit more than you did.
[3058.5s] All right y'all come out come out wherever you are.
[3061.5s] Russ have I been able to track down this orb yet?
[3064.4s] Fired back and forth you would have found the orb.
[3066.7s] Nampa you said this expands and makes portals
[3070.4s] is that something we can do right now?
[3072.1s] Have to ask the professor.
[3073.7s] Okay and I like crawl beside Nampa's leg
[3077.9s] and like grab the professor
[3080.4s] try to like bring him into the little room with us.
[3083.6s] Does lip-synchy just see like a hand groping
[3086.5s] between the legs of this giant robot
[3090.1s] and like grab the limp monkey and drag him through?
[3094.5s] Wait can I see lip-synchy
[3095.9s] through my vantage point through the legs?
[3097.7s] I mean not clear shot
[3099.1s] but you definitely would see a figure.
[3103.0s] We've described lip-synchy before
[3104.5s] but like long pippy long stocking pigtails
[3109.0s] and what's lip-synchy wearing these days?
[3111.7s] You tell me Carla.
[3112.8s] Oh I think still just like classic overall
[3115.8s] just like a jean dungaree overall.
[3118.0s] Yeah right love it.
[3119.4s] Okay well yeah I mean while I'm
[3121.6s] before I grab the professor
[3123.1s] I throw some magic missiles off towards lip-synchy.
[3127.7s] All right.
[3129.3s] So those are gonna auto hit.
[3130.9s] Those auto hit and I'll roll you some damage.
[3133.3s] Unless lip-synchy has anything powerful against those
[3136.0s] but I don't think that's.
[3137.6s] I don't think so.
[3140.2s] So it was a three three and a one
[3141.8s] so that's seven force damage.
[3144.1s] Oh each one gets a plus one so ten force damage.
[3147.3s] Lip-synchy you see a hand reach out
[3150.1s] to grab the monkey but then just like
[3152.8s] a face peek out
[3154.3s] and three magic missiles come careening towards you
[3157.6s] which knocks you a little bit off bAlydince.
[3160.2s] And I grab the monkey
[3161.6s] and also I'll roll for my wild magic surge.
[3164.0s] Please do.
[3165.3s] Oh it's a nat 20 so I think that was good.
[3168.0s] Fine.
[3170.5s] Wanted a unicorn show.
[3172.0s] I mean it would have been great.
[3173.2s] I'm gonna give lip-synchy another go here
[3175.3s] as you get hit by magic missiles.
[3177.4s] Monkeys being dragged back in
[3179.1s] as you kind of correct yourself.
[3181.7s] I think I'm gonna cast wall of light.
[3185.0s] Okay.
[3186.5s] So this is a very bright large thick wall.
[3194.6s] Sorry it's like nine thousand words long.
[3199.2s] No it's wall of text.
[3200.4s] You're reading wall of text.
[3202.2s] Each creature in its area.
[3204.4s] Just finish after the first couple words
[3206.3s] like rest of it.
[3207.0s] That's right.
[3207.8s] A shimmering one done.
[3209.4s] There you go.
[3209.8s] Perfect.
[3210.5s] Everyone in the area needs to make a con saving throw.
[3215.3s] How far is the area?
[3217.0s] Yeah 120 feet.
[3218.8s] Okay.
[3219.4s] 60 feet long 10 feet high 5 feet thick.
[3223.5s] I gotta roll with this.
[3224.7s] Oh that's me too.
[3228.4s] Oh shit I did this to myself.
[3231.3s] Professor smart monkey rolled a nat 20
[3233.3s] but then I realized he was partially unconscious
[3235.0s] so I rolled with this advantage
[3236.2s] and he got a two.
[3238.4s] I mean that's less great.
[3239.5s] Probably with a plus but you know.
[3241.1s] 13.
[3242.2s] Glim got a 14.
[3245.3s] And what I was looking for was a 17.
[3247.3s] Oh fuck.
[3248.3s] 17.
[3249.4s] So you guys are gonna.
[3250.2s] Well moot rocked it.
[3251.0s] He got a 22 so.
[3252.9s] Okay then I think you just take half damage.
[3257.7s] Oh perfect we're all gonna die.
[3259.3s] With moot save with moot save though
[3262.0s] and he's like dragging the monkey.
[3263.5s] Does he not protect the monkey at all?
[3265.2s] Well no it's like a wall of light right?
[3267.4s] So I suppose listen I'm just grasping at straws here.
[3270.8s] Just trying to save the monkey.
[3272.0s] The only one who knows how to use a stupid orb.
[3274.8s] Yep though Nanpa suddenly realizes
[3277.6s] the problem with having pince nes sunglasses
[3280.4s] and rolls a six.
[3286.9s] So great news I had bad rolls.
[3289.7s] It was a 14.
[3290.7s] Oh well actually I'm sorry.
[3292.9s] I rolled I looked my character sheet wrong.
[3296.3s] He rolled an 11.
[3298.8s] It's still gonna fail and still looks really silly.
[3301.9s] And there's pince nes sunglasses
[3303.5s] and being blinded by the light over the top of the sunglasses.
[3306.6s] Adding insult to injury here.
[3308.2s] So 14 except for moot will take half.
[3312.2s] So did I just kill myself?
[3314.2s] Sorry I have to take 14 damage?
[3316.3s] That's correct.
[3317.5s] Does that take you below zero?
[3319.0s] No I have four left over.
[3323.4s] Right around you guys.
[3324.4s] But like this jolt of pain like woke this monkey up right?
[3329.1s] Oh yeah monkeys fired up.
[3332.9s] And he's kind of stumbling around
[3334.7s] and he's looking at you like grab
[3337.0s] with his tiny hands grabbing your shoulders moot.
[3339.8s] And I like I hold the orb out too
[3342.7s] and say get us out of here professor.
[3344.7s] Grabs the orb and
[3350.5s] and like claps his hands onto the orb
[3354.3s] which sends out this wave that disperses the light
[3359.0s] and quickly moot glim sully and professor smart monkey
[3363.0s] snap out of the room and suddenly you appear
[3366.4s] in a clearing in a forest.
[3369.2s] Just kind of thrown to the ground.
[3372.6s] Guys I'm not doing very good.
[3375.8s] Is everyone okay?
[3377.1s] No Sully's like bleeding from the mouth.
[3380.4s] Probably yours.
[3381.9s] Where's Nampa?
[3383.0s] But what you didn't see is that
[3386.1s] as the edge of this portal you know sort of starts to grow out
[3392.1s] you see Nampa pull off his fez and swing it
[3396.7s] like slim pickings riding the missile at the end of
[3404.5s] at the end of Doctor Strangelove
[3407.4s] and just rushes after Lipsinki and says
[3411.9s] see you on the other side smart monkey.
[3416.1s] As the four of you collect yourselves in the clearing
[3421.8s] realize that Nampa is not there
[3423.8s] and smart monkeys like panic like hitting at the orb
[3429.1s] and it's not doing anything.
[3431.9s] You look up and you see that it's kind of dusk
[3439.2s] and the moon is bright in the sky
[3442.5s] and there's this crack that rings out everywhere
[3451.1s] and starting in the center of it like this purple black energy begins to
[3456.1s] roil out across the face of the moon until it's completely covered
[3463.9s] and emitting like these long tendrils of energy that begin moving
[3472.3s] moving seemingly moving towards you and the land below.
[3482.2s] Is anyone seeing this?
[3484.6s] You're all seeing this right?
[3486.2s] That doesn't look normal.
[3491.2s] Just panicked.
[3492.0s] I put a hand on Sully and heal him.
[3497.7s] 20.
[3499.4s] That feels nice.
[3500.7s] Oh thanks Glim that feels nice.
[3503.1s] Oh gosh.
[3504.5s] You're welcome but I think we probably have
[3506.3s] a little bit of a situation happening so.
[3514.3s] Monkey what's wrong with the moon?
[3516.2s] Professor smart monkey looks at the orb and looks at the moon and
[3522.3s] just shrugs.
[3523.2s] Well it can't be good.
[3524.9s] Oh is there anything in your book Glim?
[3527.0s] I'll open my book is there any new words?
[3530.0s] There's no new words.
[3531.6s] The next page after the scrawled note that you found earlier is a burnt black page.
[3547.7s] You're all looking down at the book and the camera begins to
[3553.4s] to move up and out of this clearing and we begin to hear low droning moans coming from
[3563.6s] everywhere and nowhere all at the same time as it pans up and further into the air and we see
[3571.5s] undead coming out of doors and villages in the surrounding area.
[3575.7s] Nanpa 9 said that the orcus is always naked.
[3590.2s] Dumbgeons and Dragons season 2 episode 105 starring Amy More as Sully, Carla Max dead as Glim,
[3597.0s] Tom Laird as Moot and Russ More as your dungeon master with special guest Lindsay Bowen
[3601.8s] as Nanpa 9.
[3603.1s] Editing, production and sound design is by Russ More.
[3605.9s] This episode featured music from Kavin McLeod and Epidemic Sound and sound effects from
[3610.5s] Epidemic Sound, Boom Library and Sound Ideas.
[3613.4s] A huge thank you to our supporting producers Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok, Cat Waterflame,
[3618.2s] Jacob Madden, Christian Brown, Devin Michaels, Craig Zeiss, Aaron Stevens,
[3622.9s] Darylith, Lulahan and Sharlee Warley.
[3625.7s] Support Dumbgeons and Dragons and our many other productions at Patreon.com slash dumb
[3629.7s] dragon cast.
[3630.5s] You'll also receive bonus episodes and a full exclusive podcast called The Adventures
[3634.6s] of run by Tom with characters played by Amy, Carla and I.
[3638.2s] We hope to see you over there.
[3639.8s] You can also follow us at facebook.com slash dumb dragon cast and on Instagram
[3643.9s] and Twitter at dumb dragon cast.
[3645.8s] Thank you for listening.
[3646.8s] Have a great week.
[3647.8s] We'll talk again soon.
[3652.7s] So you made it to the end.
[3654.4s] You did it.
[3654.8s] Thank you for staying.
[3655.8s] We asked you to and you did.
[3657.4s] You're the best.
[3658.0s] You're so good.
[3658.8s] So some things happened.
[3660.4s] Yeah, things went down.
[3661.7s] I hope there's no one.
[3663.1s] I know people in my life who read books by flipping to like the last chapter
[3667.7s] and seeing if they like the way it ends before they invest the time into reading it.
[3671.3s] So I hope you weren't one of those people that now have like flipped ahead
[3674.2s] and were like, oh, some stuff happened.
[3677.5s] Yeah.
[3679.9s] But if you are, you did it to yourself.
[3681.4s] So I was gonna say that's on you.
[3683.0s] You made a choice.
[3684.7s] We constantly said to live your life the way you want to live your life and you did so.
[3689.2s] But what has happened is the darkest timeline has begun.
[3694.2s] How's everybody feeling?
[3695.9s] A little shaken up.
[3697.5s] Yep.
[3698.2s] Yeah, just fantastic overall, except for that part.
[3700.7s] Yeah.
[3701.4s] So the safe space of the babies is still thriving.
[3707.8s] If you have only been listening to Mooglum and Sully,
[3711.7s] we would love for you to join us at season two, episode 98,
[3716.7s] where the story picks back up in the future timeline.
[3722.7s] If that makes any sense to you.
[3725.1s] It picks back up in the future.
[3727.8s] That's correct.
[3728.4s] Yeah.
[3729.0s] Yes.
[3729.4s] If you've been listening to both streams, then just keep listening as you are.
[3732.6s] Keep doing your thing.
[3733.5s] We'd love for you to keep doing that.
[3734.9s] If you want to get the full experience,
[3737.2s] go on back and listen to all of the episodes straight on through.
[3742.6s] Lots of tons of goofs.
[3743.8s] Lots of tons of goofs.
[3747.8s] So many.
[3748.6s] A few tears.
[3750.2s] We've got it all.
[3751.0s] Yep.
[3751.5s] But from here on out, it will be one consistent story,
[3755.6s] which is set in the quote unquote darkest timeline.
[3762.1s] Before wild and crazy things might or might not happen.
[3764.9s] We haven't played that far ahead.
[3766.1s] We're pretty far ahead, but not quite that far ahead.
[3768.1s] So we don't even know what's going to happen.
[3770.8s] Good things.
[3771.9s] Fun things.
[3773.2s] It's our job to make it OK.
[3776.2s] That's right.
[3776.7s] True.
[3777.4s] No pressure.
[3778.6s] If they had one job, this is it.
[3780.9s] We got this, guys.
[3781.7s] We got it.
[3782.6s] Thank you so much for being here with us.
[3785.0s] Thank you so much for experiencing Mooklim and Sully with us.
[3787.4s] Mooklim and Sully aren't going anywhere.
[3790.2s] They're still kicking.
[3791.3s] They're still fighting.
[3792.6s] They're still going to be in one shots here and there.
[3795.8s] And then who knows what happens in the future?
[3798.9s] Or the past.
[3799.7s] Or the past.
[3800.6s] Or the past.
[3801.8s] Hit those bloops.
[3802.7s] Fire in the bloops.
[3804.1s] Bloop.
[3804.9s] No, no, no.
[3805.4s] You please lead this conversation with Daisy.
[3807.9s] I'm done.
[3811.1s] I did this to myself.
[3812.2s] Thank you.
[3813.8s] No, I did it to you, but you know.
[3816.6s] You assisted.
[3817.9s] So popcorn.
[3819.5s] Lindsay, you're aware of our popcorn initiatives situation?
[3822.0s] OK, cool.
[3825.2s] Lost you again.
[3827.0s] Yes.
[3828.0s] I figured that was a yes.
[3829.0s] But yes, I just want to make sure.
[3830.2s] OK, cool.
[3831.4s] It was just a no.
[3832.6s] And I have no further questions.
[3834.2s] No.
[3835.5s] I'll figure it out as we go.
[3837.2s] Mooklim, Sully, Professor Smarty Pants.
[3840.0s] Nope.
[3840.4s] Professor Smartmug.
[3841.8s] Fox, Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.